Real Kids of Genius
by Numbuh Phenon
Summary: Today we salute you, Mr. Creepy Spank-Fetish Vampire...
1. Mr Bald British Stereotype

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Codename Kids Next Door nor do I own Bud Light's Real Men of Genius.

**Spotlight: **Nigel

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><p>Lime Ricky's presents, Real Kids of Genius<p>

_(Real Kids of Genius.)_

Today we salute you, Mr. Bald British Stereotype.

_(Mr. Bald British Stereotype.)_

Why go out in the sun and play, toss a Frisbee, or enjoy a frank when you can stay coped up in mission control filing new reports?

_(Ahhh, the sun burns!)_

To you, a social life consists of nothing but treehouse stats, hamster care bills, and hours in front of your life sized mirror bemoaning at the ungodly size of your hindquarters.

_(More cushion for the pushin'!)_

When those sunglasses are on, the objective is all that's in sight. Never mind your clingy girlfriend, questionable best friend spy-girl, or the blonde chick who has implied hots for you; being a mini-James Bond is just overrated.

_(Ya know it's hard out here for a pimp!)_

So here's a cold one to you, chrome dome. Because as long as you're around, we have a constant reminder that at least the rest of us have lives.

_(Mr. Bald British Stereotype.)_


	2. Mr Prepubescent Player Pilot Kid

**Spotlight: **Hoagie

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><p>Lime Ricky's presents, Real Kids of Genius<p>

_(Real Kids of Genius.)_

Today we salute you, Mr. Prepubescent Player Pilot Kid.

_(Mr. Prepubescent Player Pilot Kid.)_

You've got the whole package: the cheesy pickup lines, extra meat around the arms, pocket protector, and a sweet off the hook ride you constructed in your garage; which you then proceeded to pimp out with Yipper bumper stickers. How's a guy like you still single?

_(That was sarcastic!)_

Girls your own ten-to-twelve age-group just don't do it for you, do they? No, a real man like you sets his sights higher. About five or six years higher.

_(Love me some older women!)_

You're so committed to your best friend's older sister that it's borderline creepy. The fact that she tries to kill you on a regular basis or that her favorite hobby is putting you in the ICU doesn't stop you, you just keep coming back for more. Because true love hurts so good.

_(Masochist much?)_

And even if the head-on approach fails, you just let it roll off those love-handles. Because you know that the one thing a girl loves more then her trust fund, is a guy who can make her laugh.

_(Oh, he's so punny!)_

So have a root beer, casanova of the nerdy, as we thank you for all your work. Because in her eyes, any guy after you is looking pretty darn good.

_(Mr. Prepubescent Player Pilot Kid.)_


	3. Mr Angry Overly Accented Australian Kid

**Spotlight: **Wally

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><p>Lime Ricky's presents, Real Kids of Genius<p>

_(Real Kids of Genius.)_

Today we salute you, Mr. Angry Overly-Accented Australian Kid.

_(Mr. Angry Overly-Accented Australian Kid.)  
><em>

Straight out of the outback, you're practically oozing male testosterone. Playing rugby, enjoying professional wrestling, decking anyone who looks at you funny; these are only a few things you do to assert your complete and utter manliness. To you, any lesser action is considered too feminine and a sign of weakness.

_(Repressed homosexuality!)_

"Back of bourke", "bush oyster", "figjam", "come a guster", "dingo's breakfast": we GET IT. You're Australian. Even normal Australians don't spout off random moon-speak as frequently as you do, but then you never were a normal one were you, sport?

_(What the hell is a "figjam"?)  
><em>

You're the living embodiment of the chaos theory; so when you enter rage-mode, your team better watch out. The only thing more dangerous then the bad guy, is your high risk of friendly-fire.

_(Look out!)_

You're a bad boy to the bone, and the ladies love it. But there's no room for romance in your heart. It's girly, stupid, useless, and did we mention it's girly? With that in mind, it's no wonder you choose to ignore your cute Asian love interest. But after seeing how crazy fans get over your love life, we can't honestly blame you.

_(OMG! 3/4 FOREVA! XD XD XD)_

So let's crack open a root beer for you, mate. We pity the poor fool who makes the mistake of questioning your manhood or uttering the words "Rainbow Monkey". Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to google "figjam".

_(Mr. Angry Overly-Accented Australian Kid.)_


	4. Mr Evil Fire Bending Single Dad

**Spotlight: **Father

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><p>Lime Ricky's presents, Real Kids of Genius<p>

_(Real Kids of Genius.)_

Today we salute you, Mr. Evil Fire-Bending Single Dad.

_(Mr. Evil Fire-Bending Single Dad.)_

You take the phrase "hot tempered" to a whole new level. Sure, you punish your kids like any other dad; time-outs, no TV, washing their mouths out with soap, and of course, spanking. The only difference? You do it with FIRE.

_(That's gotta sting!)_

The wrath of your furious flames knows no bounds, but that doesn't mean you're afraid to show your sensitive side. In fact, it just amplifies your evil. When YOU bake a cake, the ingredients are: 2 1/2 cups cake flour, a teaspoon of vanilla, and about a hundred of the neighborhood brats. And then you serve THAT cake to your own children. Oh you cheap, sick bastard you.

_(Blood makes the best icing!)_

Every ridiculous scheme, every overly complicated stratagem, all concocted with an eye towards making foes and innocent children suffer as much as possible.

_(I'm such a sadist.)_

One thing is perfectly clear: you've got some serious issues. If you didn't have a happy childhood, then why should anyone else?

_(Daddy didn't love me!)_

So cool off with a root beer, Daddy-o. If the PTA ever needed someone to lead a workshop on how to mentally scar their children for life, they have you on speed dial.

_(Mr. Evil Fire-Bending Single Dad.)_


	5. Mr Vain Tragic Villain Wanna Be

**Spotlight: **Chad

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><p>Lime Ricky's presents, Real Kids of Genius<p>

_(Real Kids of Genius.)_

Today we salute you, Mr. Vain Tragic Villain Wanna-Be.

_(Mr. Vain Tragic Villain Wanna-Be.)_

When we first met you, you were the living symbol of what everyone wanted to be. The Jack-of-Trades, playground-war hero, had legions of fan girls, and charged for autographs. All that good stuff. Then out of nowhere you decided it was high time to shift gears. Now, with that oily blond hair and wicked grin, you're that one guy that we all love to hate.

_(Kindly go to hell.)_

You're a loose cannon rouge agent who doesn't play by the rules, assuming that you ever did in the first place. Many would be quick to think that that knowledge coupled with your track record would make you an instant badass. But every following appearance, said ass only ends up being grass.

_(Toddlers pack a punch!)_

But don't let it get to you, guy. Because despite attempting to mass murder a base full of children, by the end of the series you'll reveal that you were a double agent all along and that suddenly makes you a justified good guy again.

_(I'm on your side, now I shall stab you!)_

So we'll toast to you, fallen hero. You're a backstabbing, pompous prick in denial. And we wouldn't have it any other way.

_(Mr. Vain Tragic Villain Wanna-Be.)_


	6. Mr Annoying Vigilante Sibling

**Spotlight: **Tommy

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><p>Lime Ricky's presents, Real Kids of Genius<p>

_(Real Kids of Genius.)_

Today we salute you, Mr. Annoying Vigilante Sibling.

_(Mr. Annoying Vigilante Sibling.)_

Evil-doers and jaywalkers beware, there's a new face of justice on the streets. He is as swift as the silent wind, and shadow is his one true mistress. Criminals and foes alike tremble at the mention of his name. He is vengeance, he is the dark knight. He is… what? Oh, we're talking about _Tommy_? My bad.

_(Curse you, misleading cue cards!)_

When we think of you, Mr. Vigilante Sibling, we are left utterly stupefied. Some say you're an attention craving brat for parading around the mild streets of Gallagher as a Batman wanna-be, but we say you just have a lot of moxy. Either that, or you have no self-respect. At least you have the decency not to wear revealing tights.

_(Look mom, no chafing!)_

You're a lone ranger, no one's back to cover but your own. No other can handle the burden a seven-year old sentinel has to carry. Going solo is a great start, but you're going to need to expand your crime fighting enterprise soon. Sidekicks are trendy this season.

_(Holy super-hero complex, Tommy!)_

Your curfew is eight o'clock sharp, but ne'er-do-wells wait for no man. When the chips are down, hope seems fleeting, and you are the only kid standing between the malevolent and the innocent, risks have to be taken. So if you end up coming in at eight-o-five, it's okay. You're just edgy that way.

_('Cause I'm The GOSHDARN Tommy!)_

So here's to you, boy-blunder. You're the hero this city really doesn't need, but you're here anyway.

_(Mr. Annoying Vigilante Sibling.)_


	7. Mr Creepy Spank Fetish Vampire

**Spotlight: **Count Spankulot

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><p>Lime Ricky's presents, Real Kids of Genius<p>

_(Real Kids of Genius.)_

Today we salute you, Mr. Creepy Spank-Fetish Vampire.

_(Mr. Creepy Spank-Fetish Vampire.)_

To be a child-oppressing villain, one has to meet several requirements: stalk elementary school kids in an outrageous get-up, have no life in general, and never fail to give every person you meet a serious case of the hibbie jibbies. In those areas, sir, you are the undisputed master.

_(I'm just that hardcore!)_

You can't control your urge to deliver swift justice to the rear, and you don't bother to try. Your crazed palms flock to ass like an addict to crack.

_(Please, I need my fix.)_

If we really wanted to insult you, sir, we would draw attention to the fact that you're a pale, skinny, middle-aged adult male whose sole purpose in life is stalk children in the dead of night and slap away at their hindquarters with reckless abandon. We COULD mention that, but we won't.

_(Oh so very, naughty!)_

Perhaps we're being too harsh about this, guy. So let's switch gears, and end this segment on a high note and say something that _honestly_ compliments your character…

(…)

…Um. Oh my, what…big hands you have… Yes. Those are…really nice.

_(All the better to tap–) _

Anyway! We'll gulp down a root beer with you in our thoughts, Spanky McGee. While your actions and motivations can be considered highly questionable, at least you don't _sparkle._

_(Mr. Creepy Spank-Fetish Vampire.)_


End file.
